Monday, October 4, 2010

Lost but not Alone

Sadly, but after having lived in chul for almost a year, I still feel lost.
If I'm honest, I want to feel lost. I'm afraid to let go and start feeling at home. What if I feel too at home? What if I consequently don't want to go back to Israel? So this is my coping mechanism for making sure I'll go back, though ironically, it is leaving me with the feeling that I cannot cope with chul.
I feel isolated.
We don't really seem to fit in anywhere. We are too frum for the community we live near, though we share the same ideals. We are orthodox, come from a strong Dati Leumi background, in which we believe in incorporating halacha in our modern life, without compromising on it. However, where we live now, this kind of orthodoxy doesn't exist. The more modern community compromises a lot, sometimes knowingly, more often though out of ignorance. Here we are often outsiders due to a different lifestyle (non of our friends have kids yet) and our strict halacha observance. Then there's the chareidi community, by which we are seen as being less frum (it doesn't matter that my husband has a strong yeshive background and now has a chevruta with their chief rabbi) and even though some of our ideals match, their views on Israel are definitely a tie breaker and so we don't fit in their either.
Being as we can't start a new community, consisting of us, the Bne Akiva shlichim and a few other people, we have to try and fit in somewhere. Of course this is hard and we are constantly confronted with dilemmas, some small, some more major. I guess I started this blog as a means to deal with all these predicaments and by sharing them, maybe feel less alone.

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